Frustration

So I have had a growing frustration over the past few weeks which has recently only escalated. I am sorry to bring you all this post because I know you only want to hear about how I am enjoying everything; my adventure, my work, my new friends, oh I must be having so much fun! But here's the reality, I spend 80% of my day alone. Even when I am with other people I am still often alone. By this I mean I wake up in the morning to get a little bit of work done before heading to work. At work I come in and talk to a few people about small things; food, language, clothing -- and this is the highlight of my day. I then proceed to my desk where I will remain sitting staring at random things on the internet, looking up projects, or finishing small tasks I want to get done. I am only interrupted occasionally to be asked for a coffee, or to make photocopies, or to translate some message that AutoCAD is spitting out (the file could not be located/unable to render the model).

People tell me that I should not be worried or upset, lots of volunteers don't have work when they first get to site. But that's just the problem, I'm not sure this will go away with time. I'm trying to work out how much of this is me and how much is the circumstances given to me. This has left me restless, listless, sleepless, and in a complete rut. I keep telling myself if I only do this, if I only get to know more people, if I just get to know people in my workplace then they will trust me.

But they don't. Partially due to my age, partially due to the fact that I come off like a bumbling moron talking in my 2 year old level Shqip, and honestly largely because I am not one of those people who demands respect when I walk into a room. No you will much more likely see me gaining respect from kindness, but this time it just isn't working. I just don't really know where that line of how pushy I am supposed to be is, and yes I have been pushing doing things. Anything that I do at work (other than the photocopying, and painting of the nails) comes from my initiative. Frankly, sometimes I just don't have the energy to push anymore. Again, maybe I'm just making excuses but I don't want to anger people so early on. So for now I will step back.

Today as you might have noticed was a breaking point. Maybe it was the fact that I made a pie for the Bashkia and nobody ate it except for me (and it actually was a damn good pie), or the fact that my co-workers just kept asking "soup? soup?" despite me explaining time and time again than no it was in fact a pie (I know this is the time to explain American culture but sometimes I wish people would just listen to me), or maybe that my boss asked me to paint her nails and then told me I did a bad job, or got angry at me for leaving to go on a walk to look at places in Shijak I have still not seen (pretty important to researching this community)despite refusing to tell me said information, or maybe that I no longer have a counterpart and I'm upset about many of the people who were suspended. Somehow I just made it to three and then left, returned home, watched tv and slept.

I am trying to pull myself out of this cycle, I don't want to leave site, I have met some wonderful people and things do move in a positive direction, I just wish I could get rid of this nagging feeling of guilt...